The Marriage Break-Up Blog

Pardon my French but I don't know if I'm on my arse or my elbow at the moment!  What a difference a couple of weeks make.  I've gone from complaining I didn't have enough work to do, to trying to set up and market a new business, write financial workshops and classes, keep up my magazine column and write 30 press releases for clients in the US!  I'm absolutely exhausted!  But I'm also the most excited I've been in a long time.  I can't wait for these workshops to start, I want to help EVERYONE!  Funnily enough though I forgot one particular group of people, which is rather ironic because I am one and that's solo parents.  I think we deserve our very own workshop because my God some of us have it hard and so many of us have no one.  Nobody to support us, nobody to bounce ideas off or to give advice.  As many solo parents know, you can go for days without talking to another living soul except your kids!

I'm not complaining though.  As I told Sunday Star Times reporter Rob Stock the other day when he was interviewing me about how to manage financially after separation, compared to most solo parents I have it super easy.  I've never had to fight for child support from my ex, in fact we never fought about anything throughout the whole dividing up of assets and all that.  Neither of us begrudged each other having anything, it was all very civil and straightforward.  Emotionally it was hideous and very, very sad but with regard to who got what, there were no dramas.  Equally we never had to go to court, there were no bitter custody battles and our child support agreement is done privately.  In that respect I am extremely lucky.  In any other respect I'm like anyone else who has gone through a marriage break-up.  I've seen a lot of my friends go through them since I did almost three years ago and whilst everyone's individual circumstances may be different, the array of emotions and their harrowing intensity is the same.  We might not experience them all in the same order, but we experience them all.

I never really wanted to write about this stuff but a) Rob told me I should and b) after his article came out at the weekend I received some incredible, heartrending emails from solo parents who have it much, much harder than I do.  They are right and so is Rob.  Rarely does anyone know what they are truly getting into when a marriage ends.  Even if you are the one ending it and think you have done all your homework, nuk - you cannot be prepared enough.  There will always be a moment down the track when you wish you had known something from the start, some financial entitlement which could have made things so much easier, something more you could have done to protect yourself and the children who depend on you.  So for Rob, the beautiful people who wrote to me and anyone else in the same boat or thinks they ever might be, this is for you.

Being a solo parent is not all bad.  The best part is, you can be yourself.  Anyone who has ever felt unable to do this will understand what I mean.  You no longer have to justify or explain your decisions to anyone or worry what anyone else thinks. You also get to control the TV remote.  If you are lucky enough to have your kids living with you, being a solo parent can strengthen that bond more than you can ever imagine.  You're a team, it's you and them against the world.  I will always cherish and be grateful for this time I have had with my kids.  I might not get it right all the time and it can be daunting being the one always having to make the call with regard to advice or discipline or helping them to make important decisions but my God it's a brilliant feeling when you know you have done a good job.  To anyone feeling exhausted or overwhelmed parenting your kids alone, it may feel awful right now.  Awful and lonely and endless but trust me you will look back on this time one day and realise how amazing it was.  Tough, yes.  Quite possibly the hardest time of your life. But also an amazing time and a time where you will realise you are capable of so much more than you ever thought.  Although I still haven't plucked up the courage to use a chainsaw yet...

The early stuff is the scariest, which I'm sure you can imagine, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work that out.  But I don't think anyone is really ready for how scary it actually is.  At various stages you will undoubtedly ask yourself 'What the hell have I done?'  In my case the first time was when I went to WINZ.  As my boys would say, shit got real.  It was daunting doing all the paperwork, it took so long, there was so much stuff I needed to bring and remember and the whole time I was looking around thinking 'I don't belong here.  I don't belong here'.  I still hate the place and I still think that whenever I have to go there for any reason but you just have to get over yourself.  One thing you learn real quick when you're a solo parent - you do what you have to.  The scariest part of all however was my first night in my newly purchased house.  I lay there freezing my arse off in my new room, the owner of a brand new home and a brand new mortgage in my name only.  Everything was still upside down all around me, it all felt foreign and wrong and the enormity and finality of everything hit me.  But things always seem worse at night.  I got up the next morning, the sun was shining, I took our two rather bemused and disoriented dogs for a walk on the beach just like I had a thousand times before and I knew I was going to be OK.

One important tip, and it could be the most important - get legal advice.  I didn't and I was lucky, I have an ex who has been nothing but fair to me and didn't stitch me up but he could have and the majority of exes will do their darnedest to make your life more difficult. The stories I hear just break my heart.  They don't think about the fact they're depriving their kids; all they care about is getting back at you, hurting you.  Many of us, especially us more emotional women, concern ourselves more with keeping things as normal as possible for the kids and plan 'nice' things to look forward to such as finding the perfect little house to make a new start in but you have to try and think logically, not just emotionally.  Protect yourself from the outset and get reliable advice.

WINZ get a pretty bad rap but I've never found them anything less than brilliant to deal with, however many people are quick to rely solely on them for help and miss out on other avenues.  Ask other solo parents what help they get.  I've never met another solo parent who doesn't have something enlightening to share. Their situation and circumstances may not be identical to yours but nine times out of ten they will have something valuable to impart.  With regard to WINZ and Inland Revenue, communicate with them regularly.  Don't be fooled into thinking you are getting all the help you are entitled to, there is often a good chance that somebody has missed something and if they have they will take action fast.  A lot of solo parents struggle and there is nothing they can do about it.  But a lot of solo parents also struggle and there IS something they can do about it.  If you are struggling to keep yourself and your children warm and fed, GET HELP.  And if you can't get help or you don't know where to go, message me on Facebook and I will get you help.  Repeat after me, Number One Solo Parent Rule - You Need To Look After Yourself.  We are too quick to go without and make sacrifices for the sake of our kids but the bottom line is solo parents can't afford to get sick.  Because if we do we can't work.  Not only that, if you get sick there is often no one else who can look after you or your kids so you have to keep dragging yourself around getting sicker and sicker until the wheels fall off and you wind up in hospital like I did last year.  The stress of the enforced separation from my boys was almost worse than the illness itself!  So please take it from me and do whatever you can to stay healthy.  Don't ever feel guilty about it because your kids need you to be well too.

I was asked recently if I get discriminated against as a solo mother and I said no.  I never thought I did until I went job hunting but yes, I actually do.  Being the sole carer of a child deems a person unreliable apparently, you see.  I admit that this revelation made me very VERY angry.  What a load of shite! If anything, solo parents are even more reliable because they appreciate the work and need the income more than anyone!  When you consider also that my kids are old enough to drive a car, buy alcohol and vote it's bloody laughable.  But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your child lives with one parent or two; if that child is sick or needs you, any parent will surely put them first. But whatever, people will always think what they want.  Ignorance is bliss, I probably would have thought the same about solo parents until I became one.

It's been a long post today and I have more to share of a far more lighthearted and humorous nature but I'll save that for another day.  I still have press releases to write and workshops to plan and I can't even remember what else!  And to anyone who heard me talking to Danny Watson on Newstalk ZB yesterday?  I had NO idea I was actually live on air.  No idea at all!

The Dawn of a Bright Future

My goodness how quickly things can change.  Maybe Maurice and Pat had a word to the big fella upstairs last week on my behalf, who knows?  All I know is that things couldn't be more different than they were last time I wrote.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by sharing so much about my situation but my theory is that you never know, someone somewhere out there might be reading it and have the answer.  A different perspective, a flash of inspiration, a solution that has never occurred to you or that has always been there but you were never able to see.  And after my last post, that's exactly what happened.  Melissa had the answer.  Sue had the answer. Kenia had the answer.  Wendy had the answer.  They all contacted me with regard to different things but their message was the same.  1) Stop resigning yourself to a job you'll hate and use the skills you have to enable you to do something you like.  2) Get your name out there, tell everyone you have these skills and charge for them.  3) If you can't find a job, then flipping well create one!

So with their help and input that's just what I did.  You might be thinking 'Oh come on woman, it's not rocket science, have you never thought to do that?' Actually, no!  Sure there were things I wanted to do, even dreamed of doing but either the timing wasn't right or I just didn't need to be doing them right then.  And then I just sort of forgot really.  All those years of experience, all those skills were just meaningless words on my CV.  They looked flash but they weren't being brought to life. When you think about it though, who DOES really talk about things like that?  It's certainly not a taboo subject or anything, it just never seems to come up.  You may know what a friend's job title is but you rarely know exactly what that job entails.  I realised that after my job hunting post when people were contacting me asking what skills I had and whether I had ever done such and such. In most cases I had been doing them on a professional basis for 15 years!  But whilst in 10 years of blogging I had shared everything with readers from what I was cooking for dinner to the penguins on my pyjamas, I never once talked about what I could do.

Fortunately over the space of a couple of days, the people who I mentioned above helped me to see and no sooner had I put my name out there, or someone else had done so on my behalf than the work began rolling in.  It was pretty much immediate, amazing!  A whole world of work and untapped resources I never knew existed!  And then as if that wasn't enough, something else happened.  Wendy Gower and I are not related and have never met but we have a lot in common.  Wendy first came to people's attention just over a year ago when a national current affairs program filmed a segment on her thrifty lifestyle entitled 'Is this Australia's stingiest family?'  I've never liked the word stingy but even though the title may have sounded less than complimentary, the nation embraced Wendy and her family and since then she has never looked back, helping thousands of people improve their lives and their bank balances through passing on her knowledge.  

Wendy's experience reminded me of my own several years before.  Back in 2007 Campbell Live filmed a segment all about our family and the $21 Challenge and the same thing happened.  While there were plenty of sceptics (after all you can only convey so much information about how to survive on $21 in a seven minute segment!) there were many, many more people who wanted to know more and wanted help.  Ultimately this led to the writing of the $21 Challenge book but from then on I began receiving invitations to come and talk to groups of all kinds, often fitting hundreds of people into city libraries.  One visit to a group of struggling WINZ clients was so successful, the co-ordinator went on to introduce a six-week program in her own and other branches, based around the principles of the $21 Challenge. I even taught a three-week program at the local high school, which was heaps of fun but more importantly highlighted a huge need and a gap in the education system.  Many times I thought how amazing it would be to design a money saving program which would be made available to every high school and educational institution in NZ.  Moreover, I wanted to be the one to teach it.  But it wasn't possible.  Simple Savings was a small team and we were constantly flat tack, there was already far too much to do!  So my little dream stayed just that; a dream.  Maybe once or twice a year it would pop up in my head and I would think wistfully 'Yeah, I wish I could have done that', only for it to quickly disappear back to where it came from because it was always too impossible to consider.

I can't remember if Wendy added me as a friend on Facebook or vice versa but for a while she was just one of those 'Facebook friends who you don't actually know in person but are nice to have anyway'.  Until I wrote that post and out of the blue she contacted me to say 'You still have so much knowledge.  Why don't you go and talk to people and help and inspire them to save money the way you used to?  I know firsthand there is a demand for this in NZ but I can't be everywhere.  You could do it though!'  What, you mean go and do the absolutely most rewarding, most enjoyable thing I had ever done?  The thing I had totally forgotten all about for like - ever?  The thing which I never had the time to do before but I did now?  Maybe I could! 

The next day I took the plunge and placed my first tentative post on our local Buy and Sell Facebook community page.  Immediately there was interest and as I watched it climb my inbox started to go crazy with messages.  My post hadn't been on the page ten minutes before there was a request from the careers officer at the local school to come and do a workshop.  And then another school.  And then I started to talk about the things I used to do, the groups I used to talk to and realised that whilst there may have been seven years between me being on Campbell Live and Wendy being on A Current Affair, nothing had changed.  Saving money hadn't gone out of date.  People still needed help and didn't know how to help themselves.  And most shockingly of all, there was still next to no money saving or management education in schools.  This was apparent from all the twenty-somethings who posted on the page 'Yes, this is so much needed in schools!'  'I wish I'd had something like this when I was at school' and on it went.  And bingo.  Up popped my dream.  My dream of being able to visit every school in NZ and teach school leavers how to save money.  Or just as importantly, how not to waste it.  How not to make the same stupid mistakes so many of us adults did because we didn't have anybody to teach us and WHY.  I realised there was no longer anything stopping me from doing it.  I also realised that although the timing may not have been right before, I was so much better equipped now to undertake this job through the events of the past few years.  Before when I used to talk to people about saving money, I could talk the talk and I could walk the walk but I did it out of lifestyle choice, not necessity.  I hadn't been to the desperate places many of the people I was talking to had been.  But now I have.  I can actually convey through my experience what debt feels like.  And I know that I'm going to be one hell of a teacher because of it.

I already felt I was on the right track but just to make sure I sought advice from the wonderful Glenn Larsen.  He was the miracle worker who believed in me and fought the banks to enable me to buy Nawtypoo Cottage and has been a much valued friend ever since.  I knew he would tell me straight up what he thought and awaited his visit with fear and trepidation.  I totally expected him to say 'What the hell are you thinking you mad woman?  Sell your house right now and get yourself out of this mess!'  But he didn't.  Instead he helped me devise a plan which will hopefully help to keep a roof over my head while I'm getting this new venture off the ground.  My first school workshop is August 28th and a community one for the rest of the town will be shortly after to co-incide with Money Week from August 31st - September 6th.  After that, who knows?  Support has already been incredible and I have meetings coming out of my ears.  It's a big risk but what the heck, I'm used to taking those!  And if I'm really lucky, it might just pay off.

I'm going to call my workshops the Bright Future Program.  It just kind of jumped out at me but I rather liked it because for me it has two meanings.  Hopefully I can make a difference in people's lives and help them achieve a brighter future through my teachings.  But throughout this whole crappy few years, you my readers have helped to keep me afloat by always writing to me and telling me how positive I am in my posts.  It always blows me away to hear that because I feel like I'm just whinging!  But indeed I have always prided myself on being an optimist and to hear it from others makes me stronger every time.  So Bright Future it is!

The Joys of Job Hunting

One of these days I swear to God my existence will be so simple and mundane that my posts will consist of nothing more than me showing off photos of my latest shoe splurge and bleating on about how I can never seem to pluck my eyebrows evenly.  For now however, it's still about job hunting, hooray!  I've always been really lucky in that pretty much every job I've ever had I've just kind of fallen into or created for myself.  Been in the right place at the right time and all that.  Which is wonderful but they've always happened more by opportunity rather than necessity.  The icing on the cake.  The jam on the bread.  Trying to find and secure yourself a job when you actually need one however is quite different.  In a nutshell JOB HUNTING SUUUUCKS!  IT REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS!

The suckiest part isn't even not getting the job, it's never knowing what the hell is going on!  Ah yes, things have definitely changed since my bright-eyed, bushy-tailed school leaving days.  Gone is the thing formerly known as 'communication' where you would send someone your CV, they would say thank you and either call you in for an interview or let you know that the position had been filled. Whatever the outcome, however good or rubbish you were, your prospective employee always had the common courtesy to pick up the phone so that you weren't left hanging for days.  Not so any more.  Which is kind of ironic when communication is so much easier!  Employers don't even have to phone people any more, they can get away with simply sending a brief polite email.  That would do.  That would be enough.  But noooo.  Nine times out of 10 (at least in my recent experience) nobody lets you know your application has been received, you don't get offered an interview, in fact you don't get told anything.  Instead you're just left wondering for weeks on end whether you're still in the running until you see someone else doing the job you applied for photographed in the local paper or when you're out doing your shopping.  Apologies if it sounds whingy but come on, do employers think people apply for their jobs for fun?  Yeah, we don't actually WANT to work or need the money, we just send you our CV's for shits and giggles!

Of course a lot of the time it's not what you know but who you know.  At least half the jobs I've applied for have already been given to someone else before they're even advertised; it's just mugs like me don't know it so you apply thinking you're in with as good a chance as everyone else.  There are definitely pros and cons of being in a small town like ours.  On the one hand, everyone looks out for each other and are brilliant at tipping people off about new or upcoming vacancies if they know anyone is looking for work.  On the other though, it's really horrible having to go up against your friends trying to get the same job!

And I'm going to be honest here and it will probably make me sound like a pompous cow but I'm sure I'm not alone.  The worst stab to your ego is when you apply for a job that you are hopelessly overqualified for and could do with your eyes shut standing on your head and you don't even get an interview.  In fact you could probably teach the management how to do THEIR job!  Maybe that's the problem.  Either way it's pretty soul destroying.  I had a conversation with a shop owner the other day about my job hunting woes and she confessed to having the same trouble.  She actually said 'Qualifications mean nothing around here sweetie!  Before moving here I was assistant to the CEO of one of the biggest companies in Auckland.  I arrived in this town and the only job I could get was stacking bread at the supermarket.  If anything, you want to play your CV and qualifications DOWN!' I knew she was speaking the truth - but how crazy is that?!!  Why the heck don't people want highly qualified, capable staff?!  Aren't reliable workers already hard enough to find?  It doesn't matter how highly qualified an applicant is, if they want the job, they want the job dammit!

Still, like I keep on saying, whatever will be will be.  And it's not like I'm the only one - Liam has been struggling to find work in Wellington since he moved there in February.  His problem is the opposite to mine, lack of experience.  'I've applied for heaps of jobs - but they all always want experience', he said glumly.  'How am I supposed to get experience when nobody will give me experience?'  I know my son, it's crazy and hardly good for a young person's self esteem.  Even trying to find a summer job before he left for uni proved fruitless.  The bars wanted experienced bar staff. The restaurants wanted experienced waiters and kitchen hands.  The tradies wanted experienced labourers.  It seems learning on the job is a thing of the past - but if that's the case, how is anybody ever supposed to get anywhere?

Ugh, God I'm having a grumpy day aren't I!  My apologies, I'm waiting to hear back about a job and the not knowing is driving me crazy.  Let's finish today with something positive, a rather cute little story about two of my favourite people - an elderly couple called Maurice and Pat.  Now I know Jehovah's Witnesses aren't popular with a lot of people but I absolutely LOVE mine!  I first met Maurice and Pat a couple of years ago a few weeks after I bought Nawtypoo Cottage.  They knocked on my door and introduced themselves, saying they had just moved to the neighbourhood after years spent farming in Taranaki.  'Oh lovely to meet you, I've just moved here too!' I told them.  However it soon became apparent by the magazines they gave me that they weren't just introducing themselves as neighbours but also as my new friendly local JW's!  However they were so sweet and lovely that I was happy to chat to them and ever since then, once a month as regular as clockwork I get a visit from them.  Even in the most revolting weather we'll stand on the deck and have a chat and most of the time we're so busy talking about what's going on in our lives they almost forget to talk about this month's religious topic!

Maurice, bless him had been growing progressively more deaf for a long time until he could no longer hear at all.  As time went by he stopped leading the conversation and had to be content with standing next to Pat on the deck and she and I would do the talking while he just nodded and smiled.  Then a few months ago Pat had a nasty fall and was airlifted by helicopter to hospital where she remained for some time with a shattered hip.  During this time, even though he couldn't hear a thing, Maurice kept up their monthly visits solo as best he could.  Much of the time all he could do was smile and hand me a magazine and I would try and talk directly at him in the hope he could read my lips.  It was sad to see such a lovely, gentle chap reduced to a world of silence and he missed having Pat by his side terribly.

This morning however the sun was shining and I looked out of the window to see a familiar white car pull up in the driveway and Maurice hopped out.  'Look who's back!' he smiled, gesturing to Pat sitting happily in the passenger seat with the window down.  'She still can't walk but I drove as close to the deck as I can so she can talk to you too.  And look!'  he beamed, tapping behind his ear at a brand new hearing aid.  'I can hear!  Oh Jackie it's so wonderful!  Who would ever have thought such a simple invention could make such an amazing difference?  I have my life back - in fact, it's even better than it was before!'  The three of us had a lovely chat and just like the old days he almost forgot to hand me his magazines before they were on their way again.  I couldn't have been happier for him and Pat too.  Some people just really warm your heart and those two definitely do!

Jack of all trades

Believe it or not, I haven't always been just Penny Wise.  I've had some amazing jobs in my time and I have been lucky enough to love them all.  To look at me now, most people would never imagine that I used to be able to milk a herd of 200+ cows by myself but I could and indeed did so for many years. In fact one of my proudest moments ever is still the day I calved my first cow all by myself!  It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and everyone else was at home watching the All Blacks game on TV. I wasn't interested in rugby back then so I volunteered to go and check the cows to make sure they were all OK and not having any problems as it was calving season.  I pootled off down the farm on my motorbike and cast an eye around the paddock - and then I saw her.  She was a heifer (for those not up with farming lingo it meant she hadn't calved before) and the birth of her first calf was well underway.  Unfortunately the two feet she had protruding out of the back of her were not front feet.  They were back feet, meaning the calf was breech; in other words it was the wrong way round.  Just like humans, it's not really ideal, being born head first is infinitely preferable!  Whilst plenty of cows are able to give birth this way unaided, it was apparent from all the usual signs that this one had been struggling for a while and was getting nowhere.  

It was very possible that the calf could die left for too long and the poor heifer needed help but time was of the essence and I didn't want to disturb everyone else watching the rugby!  So I figured I'd have a go at helping her myself - after all, I'd been present at enough bovine births to know what to do!  So I approached as carefully and quietly as I could and grabbed hold of the slippery protruding feet.  This did not go down well and I had to hold on like hell as the mother took off in her efforts to get away from me, pulling me along behind her!  Luckily for me it wasn't long before she gave up and settled down nicely; I don't know if she knew I was trying to help her or what but it made our mission a heck of a lot easier!  I didn't have any calving ropes with me but I did have some baling twine on the bike and I cobbled a few pieces together like I had seen done and attached one end around each leg.  And pulled and pulled.  The heifer bless her did her bit too and before long, one healthy, still very much alive baby calf plopped out onto the ground.  I'm not sure who was more amazed, the calf's mother or me!  Fortunately instinct immediately kicked in and the brand new mum began vigorously washing her new baby.  I was so proud and exhilarated and relieved all at the same time and couldn't wait to whizz home and tell everyone.  They named the cow Jack in my honour and she went on to be the best milker in the herd!

Before Simple Savings  I also worked as a reporter and newspaper typesetter which I loved as the owners trusted me completely and gave me as much creative license as I wanted.  Our little office was the hub of the local community and every day was so much fun!  Before Liam was even old enough to go to school he was competent at using Photoshop and liked nothing better than to sit on my knee playing with photos and falling about laughing as he made his victims' nostrils bigger and swapped their eyes around.  I guess it was definitely a sign of things to come as his school and uni friends can vouch!

My most rewarding job however was when I was jointly running my own business as a 'people finder'.  Bear in mind this was long before the days of Facebook and people were a lot harder to find! It started when we set up our own NZ version of UK phenomenon Friends Reunited.  Aside from the day to day running of the site we would sometimes receive the odd letter from people who were desperate to track down long lost friends and family.  My heart always went out to them and my mum and I would dabble around in public records to try and find their loved ones.  We found we were actually rather good at it and after one of our first reunion stories appeared in the Women's Weekly, we were swamped and what started as just a bit of fun soon grew to become a full time occupation. Lordy how I wish I had kept all the cases, what an amazing book it would make!  So, so many wonderful stories.  We reunited brothers with sisters, children with parents, long lost work colleagues, childhood friends - it didn't matter where they were in the world, we would go to work with what little information they could give us and we would find them.  I even found the right John Smith in England out of all the blokes there with the same name!  It wasn't always a happy ending; sometimes I would have to break the heartbreaking news to people that their birth mother or father didn't want to - or couldn't - know them. It wasn't anybody's fault, just circumstantial.  Fortunately those instances were very few and far between.

My favourite case ever was that of a beautiful woman named Terri (I'm going to change the people's names here).  She wrote to me from Australia but had grown up in NZ.  As a schoolgirl she had a brief relationship with a chap who was a few years older called Pete.  He was a bus driver and would talk to her through the fence when she was at school.  I can't remember her exact age but I think she was only 15 or 16 when she fell pregnant and of course it was a big scandal so she was hidden away and when the baby girl was born, Terri's mother pretended it was HER baby, and Terri's daughter was actually raised as her sister.  Pete did know he was a father, thanks to a chance meeting with Terri several years later, when he caught sight of her with a little girl one day on his bus route. However he never saw her again as after that Pete changed jobs and moved away and Terri relocated to Australia.

By the time she reached her late teens, Terri's daughter had realised that her 'sister' was actually her mum and whilst this understandably took some getting used to, the two of them had a close bond and she began asking Terri about her birth father, wanting to know more about him and possibly meet him.  There was just one problem - Terri could not be 100% sure of Pete's surname.  Not only was it a fairly common surname, there were several different possible spellings of it, meaning we were going to have to try and track down every version of it - even then, Terri still wasn't totally convinced that it even WAS his surname!  But once again we took what we had and after months of searching, we found him.  Pete had by this time moved to the South Island and had got married and had a family of his own but was now divorced.  I remember the day I found his handwritten reply in our PO Box - it was so exciting!  He couldn't wait to be put in touch with Terri and his new daughter and it wasn't long before Terri flew from Australia to NZ to meet him.  And one thing soon became quite clear - the old spark from their teenage years was still very much there!  Next was for Pete to travel to Australia and in the months which followed much to-ing and fro-ing was done across the Tasman until one day Terri wrote to me to tell me joyfully that Pete was moving to live with her in Australia!  An incredible story, such a lovely couple and I still think about them and wonder how they are.

There were many more wonderful cases and I would love to have kept doing it but in the end the demand became too great for two people.  Our little business was bought out and ironically I began working as Regional Manager for the very company we had originally set out to compete against - Friends Reunited.  My days were spent liaising with media and PR agencies and I got to hang out with the likes of Trade Me founder Sam Morgan and negotiate deals with scary bigwigs like the heads of Telecom. My life couldn't have been more removed from my cow-calving days!  I spent a very enjoyable two years with them before stumbling across Simple Savings by chance one day in a copy of That's Life! magazine.  As soon as I saw it I wanted to be part of it and the rest as they say is history.

So what exactly is the point of today's ramble?  Well I'm job hunting you see - now that experience is a whole separate post in itself!  This is just a bit of background before I move onto the real job hunting blog.  But it's not about 'oh look how wonderful I am, I've had all these cool jobs' - quite the opposite.  Like I said, I've loved every single job I've ever had and I'm well aware how lucky I am but it's turned me into a bit of a spoilt brat.  Since the age of 18 I have never, ever had a 'normal' job.  Even the part time job I have now has lovely varied hours.  In every job I've ever had I've done what I want when I want and have worked largely off my own initiative, without an ever-present boss breathing down my neck.  It's been bloody marvellous I can tell you and I don't want it to stop!  But unless an incredible opportunity presents itself very soon I am just going to have to suck it up and let someone be in charge of me so that I can get to where I want to be - debt free. It's something I am really struggling with (told you I was a spoilt brat) - I can't imagine doing the same job day in, day out.  I can't imagine doing a job that won't grow or change or has a rigid description.  I really have always been a Jack of all trades!  Who knows, maybe it will be good for me?  Would certainly be better for the bank balance!  But giving up my independence will be so painful!  Still, I have to actually GET a job first. And if I don't, well I have several options up my sleeve.

What IS brilliant, is that the horrible situation I've been unable to write about all these weeks seems to have been well and truly resolved.  It's going to take me a while to be able to really relax properly but a U-turn has been performed and we are back on the right track, woohoo!   

The Accidental Arseholes

In my job I get to be nice to a lot of people.  And they're nice right back to me.  Which is nice all round!  No wonder I'm happy in my work.  That's the way it is with people we don't know very well though isn't it?  We know how to behave, we know our boundaries.  We treat each other with respect and dignity and expect nothing less in return.  On the extremely rare occasion a customer is unpleasant to me, I still smile sweetly, however I make a mental note that he or she is an arsehole and remember not to go out of my way for them next time, then move on to the next thing.  End of story, like Taylor Swift I shake it off, shake it off.

People are always telling me I'm strong.  Sure, I'm strong when it comes to pulling rabbits out of hats so I can feed my family.  I'm strong when it comes to standing up against people who are nothing more to me than a stranger's name at the bottom of a bill or an insurance company.  I'm strong when it comes to talking my way out of a parking fine.  And I'm strong when it comes to fighting for the underdog.  But when it comes to standing up against people you love?  I'm the biggest wuss on the planet.  The thing is, as I've discovered, it is these people you need to stand up to the most of all.

I can't believe it's only been a month since I wrote; it feels like a year.  These past weeks have been absolute hell, for reasons I unfortunately still can't say.  I have never felt so desperate, so hopeless, so horrendously alone in my whole life and I didn't know if there was ever going to be a solution or an end to it.  To be honest I still don't, I'm just hoping against hope.  I don't pray very often but I've been doing a lot of that too.  The crap thing is, I know that even if I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel in this situation, I'm already hurtling along from one hell straight into another, because all the while I've been barely able to function and unable to deal or act with everything going on around me, I have emerged closer now to losing my home than ever.

But that's another blog for another day, I need to gather my thoughts before we catch up on that.  The good thing is that as always, something positive has come out of this almost unbearable time.  I have learned a LOT and it is that I want to share today because I believe I am far from alone.  I apologise in advance for the frequent use of the word 'arsehole'; you can change it to whatever you want, it's just a word that resonates with me and makes it all a little less dramatic and serious because it is a serious subject.

Some people are natural born arseholes.  They are always arseholes, day in day out and are arseholes to everyone.  Fortunately these are relatively few and far between.  What are far more common however are the acquired arseholes.  You see these all the time but may not recognise them yet. These are people who are nice to pretty much everyone else except you.  They used to be nice to you as well but somewhere along the line you threw them a doormat and lay down and let them walk all over you.  They know you better than anyone, know how to push your buttons, manipulate you, guilt trip you and quite frankly treat you like shit, all without consequences.  You're not sure how or when things became this way but they did.  Why?  Because you love them.  Even though they make you feel bad, like you don't matter, like you're nothing, you still love them.  Which is pretty ironic really isn't it, considering we pour all our time, love and energy into making THEM feel good!

When it comes to natural born arseholes, there's nothing you can do but let's face it most of us don't want them in our lives anyway.  Let them go and hang out with the other natural borns!  It's the acquired arseholes which are the problem because you love them with all your heart but they are bringing you DOWN.  I see examples of acquired arseholes all the time on Facebook statuses - parents who are miserable and downtrodden because their kids take them for granted and do nothing around the house.  Couples where one half is permanently in a state of heartbreak because they make all the effort and do all the giving and the other does nothing but sit back on their laurels and take, take, take.  I'm sure you can think up a few more examples but they all have one thing in common. They behave that way towards you because you LET them.  It's your house but the kids have the run of it.  They talk back or even down to you because there are no consequences.  Your partner doesn't need to put any effort into your relationship because they already know you'll do enough for both of you.  The longer you go on accepting this acquired behaviour, the more you start to shrink inwardly. You feel sapped of energy until you no longer even feel like getting up in the mornings.  If the people you love most treat you like crap, well you must be nothing, right?  How can you respect yourself if they don't respect you? You must be a really bad, worthless person.

I realised during the worst of this hellish period that I have been allowing people to make me feel this way for a very long time.  I'll repeat that, I ALLOWED them.  They did not force this behaviour on me, I permitted them to treat me this way.  It doesn't matter whether your acquired arseholes are children or adult, they ONLY act this way because they have been allowed to. And as we all know with habits which have developed over a long period of time, it is very hard to break.  But it can be broken.  I broke it.  It almost broke me in the process but I did it.  You don't like to pull them up short.  You don't want to say 'mean things' (they're not actually mean, they're long overdue, you just feel mean saying them) because you don't want to hurt them, you want them to still like you.  And you know what?  They still will like you.  Because even if they don't see it straight away, deep down they know their behaviour isn't OK either.  After all, they're good people really, that's why you love them.

I'm sharing this because I know there are people out there as broken as I have been.  It is only when you realise that YOU are the problem - not them, that you realise that you also have the power to become the solution.  Once you have that knowledge and start standing up to your arseholes you WILL see results.  It's pretty bloody liberating I can tell you.  It's a shame isn't it, that we can't all just be nice and have everyone be nice back, just like the customers at work? But it's OK to command respect from the people you love; in fact it's vital that you do.  So to all those people on Facebook whose sad statuses I have read lately and the many more who suffer in silence, please learn from me. This is probably the most honest thing I have ever written and to anyone who has never been in this position you will most likely think it's a load of complete codswallop.  But to anyone who has, I hope it helps.  Someone once said to me 'being nice gets you nowhere'.  I disagree - it most definitely does. But as with anything in life there has to be a balance. As I have learned, it's never too late to find yours!

Carrot, egg, or coffee bean?

Feeding the birds.  Making lasagne.  The bright coppery-red swamp cypress tree in the field just down from me.  All these things put a bright spark in my day.  I'm so grateful for them because it's little things like these which have really kept me going lately.  No matter how hopeless I have felt, no matter how dark and endless the tunnel may seem, there's nothing like an endearingly tubby sparrow hopping around on your deck to raise a smile, or a trio of stunning rosellas stripping seed pods right outside your window to make you feel blessed.

Has it really been two weeks since I last wrote?  So much has happened and for the first time ever I am completely unable to write about it.  I don't think I could find the words anyway.  Trust me, you're not missing anything exciting!  I wish you were.  But for once it isn't about money.  And I'm not ill.  Even so, the curveball which life has suddenly seen fit to throw my way has this time hit me fair and square in the stomach and knocked the wind right out of me.  Normally a situation like this would send me scuttling off into hibernation, spending days under the duvet indulgently wallowing in gloom and conveniently ignoring the outside world until I felt ready to face it again.  But this time I can't.  This time I have to face things head on.  I have to talk when I don't feel like talking.  Act bright and cheery when I feel like bursting into tears. Make myself productive when I can barely function.  I have to be strong and just thinking about it makes me want to scream.  I'm SICK of being strong! I want a holiday from being bloody strong!  

But right now, right this minute as I'm sitting here spouting off, this story has appeared in front of me. I'd like to thank a lady with a very uncanny sense of timing named Brooke:

Carrot, egg, or coffee bean?

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Well look at that right there.  Lesson for the day.  Jackie Gower you are going to stop whinging right now and be a fabulous water changing coffee bean.  It's a bit of a pain because right before this curveball came and threw itself at me, things were going so well!  I was positive, I was productive, I had things pretty well under control - but even though this current situation has nothing to do with money, indirectly it still does. Because when you get knocked for six, or undergo any sudden shock or trauma or change in circumstances, things can slide very quickly.  Life has a habit of going on around you even if you're not functioning yourself.  Bills still come out and at the same time your judgement is impaired, or you feel so low you develop a bit of a 'devil may care' attitude about money.  It's a pretty dangerous combination for your finances, a lot of damage can be done in a short time while you're completely oblivious and I have to try and get myself back on track and hold things together somehow before that happens.  The next month is absolutely vital because my interest-only period on my home loan has now ended, my interest rate is about to change and the bank manager is going to want to see me to discuss how things are going and what I want to do.  And right now, I have no flipping idea.  My ex-husband advised me the other day to 'keep treading water for a few more months' and whilst it's not ideal, I think it's probably all I can do.

But even though I might sound like a whinging old hag right now, there are still some wonderful things going on.  I've found it hard to write any blogs because I haven't been able to talk about what is going on but instead I have immersed myself in writing my first e-book and I am enjoying every minute.  It started off as one thing and seems to have sort of morphed into something completely different but I am loving every spare moment spent of writing it.  It is a very different side of me than you will have seen before but I hope you will enjoy it.  Watch this space, it's growing fast!

And on another cheery note, Liam the big fella is home from uni for a month!  It is so lovely to have him back, particularly this new, improved version!  This version can cook, do the dishes, clean up after himself - all the things I had tried to get him to do for 18 years previously and failed!  It's brilliant, I don't have to lift a finger!  Joking aside though, it truly is wonderful to see him so happy and we're all loving having him home.  Savvy chap that he is, he's just changed uni rooms from the single studio he was in to a flat with two other mates, knocking what could work out to be as much as a couple of grand off his accommodation fees over the next six months.  Amazing how resourceful one can be when needs must!

Everyday angels

I remember being about 10 years old and sitting at the big girls' table one afternoon when I heard the news.  It came to me in hushed whispers.  The parents of one of the boys in the year above me were getting DIVORCED.  I had absolutely no idea what that meant but did my best to look appropriately shocked as this was obviously extremely scandalous and NOT a good thing.  We lived in a tiny English village where life was very sheltered and none of us kids had ever heard of this happening before.  By the time I got to high school the following year I realised that this socially unacceptable disaster had happened to a few more people than I thought, although there was only one way you could tell them apart from everyone else - they had free school dinners.  I remember being very indignant about this when I first stood behind a small boy in the dinner queue.  He didn't have to pay for his burger and chips like me, he just got his name ticked off a list!  I went home and told my mum about it, far from impressed.  She said that he was from one-parent family - you know, his parents were DIVORCED.  His mum (or whichever parent he lived with) probably didn't have much money so he and other kids like him were allowed free dinners.  Oh.  That was OK then.  I didn't know this boy, only his name from getting ticked off the list but from then on I wondered what life was like for him.  Wouldn't it be lonely only having one parent?  Did he miss the other one?  Was his house as 'nice' as other people's houses?  Did he have enough food to eat at home?

My goodness, how times have changed.  In the 30 years since I stood behind that boy in the dinner queue, parents like I had have become a minority.  Any of my children's friends whose parents are still together is pretty much a rarity and even some of those who have two parents are not the original two parents they started life with!  I never thought in a million years our family would become one of the new majority.  None of us did.  I remember Liam coming home from school not long after we moved here and saying that one of his teachers had told him about the 'Whangamata curse'. Apparently it happened a lot - happy families would move to the area supposedly to 'live the dream' only to have the wheels fall off.  I think Liam was quite taken aback but laughed it off and so did I.  'That will never happen to us!' we all said.  But it did.  I don't think it was anything to do with a curse; more a case of simply taking the old problems to a new house.  Or maybe we were born in a really unlucky year or something.  You only need to look at my old school friends on Facebook to see that the class of '89 has by and large been hugely unsuccessful in love and marriage!  I tell you what though, as a mother who has been unable to afford a loaf of bread for sandwiches more times than I care to admit to, it would be bloody helpful if kids of one-parent families still got free hot school dinners!

But as with all things, there is always a positive.  Since my own marriage ended, I have been saddened to see several of my close friends go down the same track.  Each time, people have been shocked to see another 'perfect family' fall apart. Just yesterday I heard of another beautiful friend who unbeknown to pretty much everyone has been raising her four children alone these past few months.  She is one of the strongest, most capable women I have ever met and I know that no matter what she will hold it all together and do a brilliant job just as she always has.  Even so, knowing what she was going through and seeing the stress on her face, the lack of sleep in her eyes and hearing the wobble in her voice just absolutely broke my heart.  Bless her heart, she has just become a member of a very special club of sisters in our community and I hope she knows we are all here for her, just as we are for each other.  We may not have the funds spare to help one another financially - we don't have enough ourselves!  But we have all been there, we do a great job and by God we are a strong bunch of women.  Even if we don't need each other or see each other that often, it's nice to know we're around.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of amazing solo dads in the same boat too and they have my utmost empathy and respect; I just haven't had anything to do with them really.  Let's face it, male or female, it's not easy either way!

I reckon I have it pretty easy in comparison to a lot of people.  Sure it would be nice not to struggle. Ali and me wouldn't even get to eat roast chicken if it wasn't for my mum bringing me one when she comes to visit!  But seriously, I live a very peaceful, boring life.  My kids and I have a wonderful relationship, my ex-husband and I get along really well and his partner is lovely.  She has two small children and my ex is wonderful with them, it really makes me smile to see him buckle them into their little car seats and take them to swimming lessons.  I admire him a lot, I don't know if I could do it!  I guess you never know what you can do though until you're faced with it.  I still love my in-laws and all the siblings and relatives who were my family for more than 20 years.  As far as I'm concerned they're still family and always will be.  I have no psycho exes to deal with, no bitter custody battles, life just ticks along really.  Don't get me wrong, the breaking up part was still shite. Seeing my friend yesterday brought all the awful, hideous memories flooding back.  But unlike me, she had someone who had been through it to tell her everything was going to be alright.  Someone who wasn't just saying it but who meant it and was standing in front of her as living proof.  And as I stood there I realised what a long way I had come from where she was now.  I wanted to tell her of all the positive things I had learned along the way, all the things she could look forward to, all the things which would make her happy and how this already awesome woman was going to change and grow beyond her wildest imagination.  But I didn't.  I didn't think it was the right time but she'll learn for herself soon enough, I know she will.

I hope that like me she will find her life is full of everyday angels.  Like the angel who brought in a brand new pair of boots to work the week I sold most of my shoes.  She had bought them for herself but were too small for her so she brought them into our workplace to see if they would fit any of us.  I felt like Cinderella and I already knew before I even tried them on that they would fit.  Or the wonderful, kind angel who contacted Nova Energy and put enough credit on my power bill to last Ali and me at least one month, if not two!  Or the volunteer angels I didn't even know existed in our own town who brought me FIVE bags of food last week.  Amazing people like these can literally mean the difference between being able to hold everything together or having your whole world fall down around your ankles.  I truly hope that one day I can find a way to repay all the people who have helped me.  Who knows, maybe I could even turn out to be somebody's angel one day, wouldn't that be brilliant!